Kids Want to Do Well!

“They know what they need to do.
I’ve reminded them 10 times already.
This isn’t that hard.
Why aren’t they doing it?
Do they just not care?”

We talk to parents all the time who are worried that their kids just don’t seem to care about doing well, because they’re not following through and doing the things they need to in order to be successful.

But when we meet with their kids, what we hear over and over again is that these kids WANT to do better.

They don’t enjoy disappointing their parents…or themselves.

They want to feel proud of themselves, and make their parents happy.

They’re just having a really hard time getting there.

So, who’s right?

When kids behave badly, is it because they don’t want to do well?

Or is it because something is getting in their way, and making it hard for them to follow through?

Ross Greene’s quick 4-min video does a wonderful job of explaining the differences between these two philosophies:

What approach do you usually take?

If you adopt the philosophy that “kids do well if they want to”…and they’re NOT doing well…that means your job is to make them want to do better. 

This is where rewards & punishments come from — the idea that kids won’t want to do well on their own, so we need to provide extra motivation & incentive for them to perform well. 

But we talk to a lot of parents who tell us that they’ve tried giving their kids rewards for earning good grades, doing their homework, or keeping their binders organized…but their kids still aren’t following through.

They’ve also tried taking away every privilege they can think of to motivate their kids to do better…but nothing has changed, and now they’re running out of things to take away.

If you adopt the “kids do well if they can” philosophy, this makes a lot of sense.

If a kid is already motivated to do well, rewards & punishments won’t have a big impact on their behavior.

What can help is collaborating with them to figure out what’s getting in their way…and then helping them develop the skills, environment, or structure they need in order to be able to do better.

This approach puts you back on the same team as your kids — rather than on opposite sides of the battlefield — and is much more likely to be successful.

Putting it into action…

The next time your kid isn’t following through and doing what you think they should, try asking yourself…

“What’s making this hard for them?” or “I wonder what could be getting in their way?”

…and see how that changes your perspective.

I look forward to seeing what you notice!

Getting extra support

If you need help finding out exactly what’s getting in the way for your student, we’d be happy to help. As academic coaches, we can help students uncover what’s preventing them from earning the grades they want, and develop the mindset, habits, and skills to overcome those challenges!

Click here to set up a complimentary Parent Strategy Session to see if coaching might be a good fit for your student.

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About The Author

Dr. Maggie Wray is a certified ADHD Coach & Academic Life Coach with a Ph.D. in Neurobiology and Behavior from Cornell and a Bachelor’s degree in Astrophysics from Princeton. She founded Creating Positive Futures in 2012 to help high school and college students learn how to earn better grades with less stress. Her team of dedicated coaches is on a mission to empower students to develop the mindset, organization, time management, and study skills they need to achieve their goals.