Do I jump in, or let them fail?

We talk with a lot of parents who are concerned about their students’ schoolwork, and trying to decide whether to let them fail and suffer the consequences OR step in and take responsibility for ensuring that nothing falls through the cracks.

There are problems with both of these options!

So parents often end up feeling stuck and unsure about what to do, because they can see their kids struggling at school but aren’t sure how to help.

They don’t want to jump in and rescue them, because then kids aren’t learning how to take responsibility and manage things on their own.

But they also don’t want to see them fail…especially when those mistakes could have consequences that affect their future ability to get into (or graduate from) college.

But are these really the only two choices?

As an analogy, consider your manager at work… (or, if you’re the manager, think about how you would want to manage your employees…)

Imagine that your manager had put you in charge of a new area of responsibility, and then later noticed that you weren’t handling it the way they had hoped. How would you want them to respond?

Would you want them to ignore what was going on, but continue feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with your work?

OR to jump in and take over responsibility for the task themselves – or hand it over to a coworker – to make sure it was being handled correctly?

Neither of these approaches would really solve the problem.

If they didn’t say anything and you kept doing what you’re doing, eventually that frustration would build up and create a strain on your relationship, and the unresolved issues would run the risk of creating more serious problems down the road.

Whereas if they took away the responsibility without giving you a chance to fix the problem on your own, you would feel like they didn’t trust you or believe in your ability to do your job effectively. And you’d probably feel less motivated to do a good job in the future.

Either way, there’s going to be a negative impact on your relationship and you’re not going to learn how to manage the responsibility effectively on your own.

A GREAT manager wouldn’t take either of those approaches!

Instead, they would have a conversation with you about how things are going, and collaborate with you to figure out how to approach things more effectively.

There are several steps they would take in order to make sure this conversation went smoothly, including…

1) Arranging a convenient time to talk, when you both can focus on the discussion

2) Sharing what they’ve noticed and checking in to get your perspective about how this area of responsibility is going

3) Having an collaborative discussion about what’s been getting in your way, how you can manage this responsibility more successfully in the future, and how they can support you in reaching this goal

4) Putting together a plan you can both agree on, with next steps for how to get things back on track

5) Setting up a time to check in again about your progress

6) Expressing their excitement to see how it goes, and their confidence that you can handle this!

Throughout the conversation, you would feel heard and understood, and get the clear message that your manager cares about you & wants to see you succeed.

What would happen if we approached kids the same way?

By setting aside a separate time to touch base, rather than trying to address issues in the moment?

By approaching the conversations with curiosity about how they are seeing this situation, what is making it hard for them to follow through, and what we can do to support them? By asking them to help us come up with ideas for how to solve the problem that will work for everyone?

This isn’t the easiest approach to take.

It’s actually a LOT harder than ignoring the situation or taking over responsibility for managing it yourself.

But if you CAN do it, it’s also a great way to set students up to be independently successful in the long term. (Which is ultimately much more important than the specific task they’re supposed to be doing right now, anyway.)

If you want more support…

Even with the best of approaches, it can still be difficult for students to hear constructive feedback from their parents without feeling judged & going on the defensive.

So, it’s often easier and less stressful for them to discuss their challenges with someone who is NOT a parent or teacher.

This is one reason why working with an academic coach can be such a helpful resource for some students.

A good coach can hear the concerns you have as a parent, have an open discussion with your student about alternative strategies they could use to reach their goals, and share ideas with you about how you can support their progress.

This can reduce stress levels for both you and your student, and support both of you in getting the results you want with less conflict.

If you’re interested in discussing coaching to see if it would be helpful for your family, click here to schedule a free parent consultation.

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About The Author

Dr. Maggie Wray is a certified ADHD Coach & Academic Life Coach with a Ph.D. in Neurobiology and Behavior from Cornell and a Bachelor’s degree in Astrophysics from Princeton. She founded Creating Positive Futures in 2012 to help high school and college students learn how to earn better grades with less stress. Her team of dedicated coaches is on a mission to empower students to develop the mindset, organization, time management, and study skills they need to achieve their goals.